Friday, January 17,2014... My due date

This coming up Friday would have been my due date.....WOW....... Has it been 5 months already...... It sure hasn't been an easy road and I still struggled. I have my good days and my bad days. I have had more good days lately than bad days. Me and shane were talking one night about how I was feeling and he told me that it was up to me how I felt. I controlled my feelings. He said that I had to decide when I wanted to be happy. I told him it wasn't that easy but then New Years rolled around and everyone was making resolutions so I figured I'd make some. Of course lose weight,eat healthy, ect.... But I also decided I WAS going to be happy, I was going to treat myself better. I told myself I was the only one that could make me happy no one else could make me happy, ON,Y ME!!! And I have been happy. I have been working out some. Eating better. And enjoying life. I have a group of friends that I love very much and they always make me smile and laugh. I have family that I love more than anything.

I still have things that our going to be tough this year though. Like Friday. I know it's coming and I keep telling myself it's going to be okay but I won't know how okay it will be until it's Friday. So please pray for me!! And then in August it will be a year that this nightmare happened. I still stay up at night running that awful Monday through my head and the days after that. I still to this day wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I still have a hard time talking about it with people other than shane. He is the only one that knows the sad and depressed me! So pray for him!! 

33 weeks

Wow.... I can't believe that I would be 33 weeks right now if I wouldn't have lost our sweet baby!!! It's hard to believe that I would be getting all the babies blankets and clothes and socks and new born diapers all organize for his arrival in 7 weeks!! I am very thankful that God gave me the privilege to carry him for 16 weeks even if I didn't get to keep him here for myself!! I have to keep telling myself that all things happen for a reason!  The closer we get to the due date the more emotional I get about everything! I'm glad the holidays are coming up so maybe it will keep my mind busy!! Lots of family to enjoy! Can't wait to see everybody and hopefully meet one of my sweet second cousins!! So excited to cuddle and hug on her!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving!! Can't wait for my Meems pumpkin pies!!! Yummy!!!!

Not a baby Anymore

(2012 birthday)

(2013 birthday)

My baby boy turned the Big 2 this last Friday and WOW I never thought that I would be this emotional about it!!! I laid in bed Friday night and held him and just cried. Shane asked me why I was crying and I had no answer... I had no idea and still don't know why I have been so emotional about his birthday!!
When I first found out I was pregnant with Tanner I was shocked ( because it happened so fast) and excited!! I prayed and prayed for another little girl. I had no clue how to take care of a boy or want to (at the time)!! When I found out he was a boy I was not happy. I acted like I was but I was so sad and angry. I don't think I was ever completely happy about having a little boy until I held him for the first time!!! That sweet little boy stole my heart!! Everyone told me that a mothers love for a little boy was different than the love you have for your little girl, and it's true!! Not sure why or how it's different but it is! He's mommas boy (when daddy isn't around lol)!! He brings so much joy to my heart by the little smiles he gives me and the awesome hugs he gives!! I think any mother of a boy can agree with me!! They may be rough and dirty but they are Oh so sweet!!!

(11-1-11)

Momma loves you sweet boy and don't ever forget that!! I don't even want to think about ever sharing my baby with another women one day!!! I will always be there to hold you, doctor your cuts, and be a shoulder to lean on when that girl breaks your heart. I will do my best to teach you to love God and His word! I will do my best to teach you how to treat other people with love and respect! I will do my best to teach you how to treat a women and how to love one!!

Moving on

Well I haven't posted in a while been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off things!! But it all eventually catches back up to me. Things have been good. I have stopped taking my medicine and I feel fine, just needed that extra help for a little while to get me back on my feet.I still miss my sweet baby! Not a day goes by I don't think of him! Tanner came up to me yesterday and looked at my belly and said hey baby!! It didn't upset me as much as I thought it would. That was the first time since we lost Jeffery that him or Addison has said anything about "baby in my belly".

We finally got his tree planted last weekend. Kids enjoyed helping gramps dig up the dirt and water the tree!

I haven't been to the gym since I had my breakdown before I started the medicine. I think the gym was a cover up to hide how I was feeling but it didn't last like I hoped it would! I'm hoping to get back in the gym this week for the right reasons ! I need to be healthy not only for myself but for my children and husband!! They need me to be healthy!!

We will be going out of town this weekend for my brothers wedding!! So crazy that my baby brother is getting married!!! Just doesn't seem right!! But I couldn't have asked for a better sister in law to be!! Larry did good!! I am praying and hoping my "sweet" children act right! Kind of stressed about how they will act walking down the isle.... I'm sure it will all turn out fine! I can't wait to see them all dressed up they are going to be so cute!!!

In the arms of Jesus

Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry,
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies."
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think he is unkind,
Don't think He sent me to you,
and then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child,
and I'm needed up above,
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you,
and watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there,
planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't your cry.
"I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies."

Author: Unknown

Sweet baby boy

Sweet baby boy how I long to hold you!! My heart is aching for you tonight! Every time I close my eyes I see you and my heart breaks all over again!! I just wish you were here... 

I lay here and wonder, was this my fault did I do something to cause this? Should I have done something different? Should I have not drank caffeine? Should I have drank more water? I will never know...... 

I believe all things do happen for a reason... I just wish I knew the reason! It might could make things easier for me or it might not! I will never understand why you were taken so early! Why you had to be born sleeping! 

I know you are being taken care of up there!! I can't wait for that day I get to meet you.. Hold you.... See how perfect God made you!!! I love and miss you my sweet Jeffrey!! 

For I know the plans I have for you” — this is the Lord ’s declaration — “plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 HCSB)

Mother of an Angel

It's been four weeks since i gave birth to my sleeping angel. It's actually been a good day other than my pink eyes. My heart hurts just as much as it did that day but I'm finding that the pain is a little easier to deal with. Terri gave me a blanket the night before i went to the hospital and holding it and sleeping with it makes me feel better. I cant explain it. I still have my days though. I don't know where i would be without my amazing family and awesome friends! Thank you to each of you who have offered help and been there for me to talk to or even just hug!

I have a doctors appointment this coming up Monday and I am so scared of walking in the doors and seeing all the pregnant women!! I'm scared I'm going to lose it and ball my eyes out while strangers stare at me like I've lost my mind!! I'm sad that I don't have the cute belly and the wobble going on. I'm sad that my baby is gone. I'm sad that Addison and tanner won't be able to meet there baby brother. One day when they are old enough i will definitely tell them about our sweet Jeffrey Shane! 

It's never been easy for me to actually come out and tell people how I feel. Last Wednesday night I had a huge meltdown at praise team practice. The kids had been bad all day, it was a sad day for me, and then they were even worse at practice. That night I realized how important it is for me to ask for help and share my feelings. I can't do this all by myself. Some people may think I'm super mom but I'm so far from that. I finally opened up to a couple friends and told them how I was feeling and what they told me isn't what i wanted to hear! I was having signs of depression.  Didn't want to get up, didn't want to shower,brush my hair, brush my teeth, clean, feed my family....nothing! But I forced myself to get up and do all that because I knew I needed to. I was also having some really bad anger issues toward my children! I never knew anger was a part of depression. I hated being so mean to my kids but I couldn't help it. I didn't know what to do to fix it! I would start off being nice to them and then it would just spiral out of control! As a mother I felt like I couldn't say I was depressed because I would look like a failure. I was scared people would judge me. But you know what WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK! 

IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!!!! DON'T BE ASHAMED!!

I am now taking an antidepressant. It hasn't kicked in yet but just talking about my feelings has helped me so much! I'm not embarrassed about taking it because i know now I needed it. Dealing with a loss of a child and trying to keep my family fed, bathed and clothed and keep the house in order was just too much for me right now. I'm glad I had that melt down, I'm glad I have friends that will tell me the truth and not beat around the bush!

Shane has been amazing! Not only does he go to work, he has also helped so much around the house!! He's been my rock. He has been so strong through all of this. I couldn't ask for a better husband.