Mother of an Angel

It's been four weeks since i gave birth to my sleeping angel. It's actually been a good day other than my pink eyes. My heart hurts just as much as it did that day but I'm finding that the pain is a little easier to deal with. Terri gave me a blanket the night before i went to the hospital and holding it and sleeping with it makes me feel better. I cant explain it. I still have my days though. I don't know where i would be without my amazing family and awesome friends! Thank you to each of you who have offered help and been there for me to talk to or even just hug!

I have a doctors appointment this coming up Monday and I am so scared of walking in the doors and seeing all the pregnant women!! I'm scared I'm going to lose it and ball my eyes out while strangers stare at me like I've lost my mind!! I'm sad that I don't have the cute belly and the wobble going on. I'm sad that my baby is gone. I'm sad that Addison and tanner won't be able to meet there baby brother. One day when they are old enough i will definitely tell them about our sweet Jeffrey Shane! 

It's never been easy for me to actually come out and tell people how I feel. Last Wednesday night I had a huge meltdown at praise team practice. The kids had been bad all day, it was a sad day for me, and then they were even worse at practice. That night I realized how important it is for me to ask for help and share my feelings. I can't do this all by myself. Some people may think I'm super mom but I'm so far from that. I finally opened up to a couple friends and told them how I was feeling and what they told me isn't what i wanted to hear! I was having signs of depression.  Didn't want to get up, didn't want to shower,brush my hair, brush my teeth, clean, feed my family....nothing! But I forced myself to get up and do all that because I knew I needed to. I was also having some really bad anger issues toward my children! I never knew anger was a part of depression. I hated being so mean to my kids but I couldn't help it. I didn't know what to do to fix it! I would start off being nice to them and then it would just spiral out of control! As a mother I felt like I couldn't say I was depressed because I would look like a failure. I was scared people would judge me. But you know what WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK! 

IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!!!! DON'T BE ASHAMED!!

I am now taking an antidepressant. It hasn't kicked in yet but just talking about my feelings has helped me so much! I'm not embarrassed about taking it because i know now I needed it. Dealing with a loss of a child and trying to keep my family fed, bathed and clothed and keep the house in order was just too much for me right now. I'm glad I had that melt down, I'm glad I have friends that will tell me the truth and not beat around the bush!

Shane has been amazing! Not only does he go to work, he has also helped so much around the house!! He's been my rock. He has been so strong through all of this. I couldn't ask for a better husband.