Sweet baby boy

Sweet baby boy how I long to hold you!! My heart is aching for you tonight! Every time I close my eyes I see you and my heart breaks all over again!! I just wish you were here... 

I lay here and wonder, was this my fault did I do something to cause this? Should I have done something different? Should I have not drank caffeine? Should I have drank more water? I will never know...... 

I believe all things do happen for a reason... I just wish I knew the reason! It might could make things easier for me or it might not! I will never understand why you were taken so early! Why you had to be born sleeping! 

I know you are being taken care of up there!! I can't wait for that day I get to meet you.. Hold you.... See how perfect God made you!!! I love and miss you my sweet Jeffrey!! 

For I know the plans I have for you” — this is the Lord ’s declaration — “plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 HCSB)

Mother of an Angel

It's been four weeks since i gave birth to my sleeping angel. It's actually been a good day other than my pink eyes. My heart hurts just as much as it did that day but I'm finding that the pain is a little easier to deal with. Terri gave me a blanket the night before i went to the hospital and holding it and sleeping with it makes me feel better. I cant explain it. I still have my days though. I don't know where i would be without my amazing family and awesome friends! Thank you to each of you who have offered help and been there for me to talk to or even just hug!

I have a doctors appointment this coming up Monday and I am so scared of walking in the doors and seeing all the pregnant women!! I'm scared I'm going to lose it and ball my eyes out while strangers stare at me like I've lost my mind!! I'm sad that I don't have the cute belly and the wobble going on. I'm sad that my baby is gone. I'm sad that Addison and tanner won't be able to meet there baby brother. One day when they are old enough i will definitely tell them about our sweet Jeffrey Shane! 

It's never been easy for me to actually come out and tell people how I feel. Last Wednesday night I had a huge meltdown at praise team practice. The kids had been bad all day, it was a sad day for me, and then they were even worse at practice. That night I realized how important it is for me to ask for help and share my feelings. I can't do this all by myself. Some people may think I'm super mom but I'm so far from that. I finally opened up to a couple friends and told them how I was feeling and what they told me isn't what i wanted to hear! I was having signs of depression.  Didn't want to get up, didn't want to shower,brush my hair, brush my teeth, clean, feed my family....nothing! But I forced myself to get up and do all that because I knew I needed to. I was also having some really bad anger issues toward my children! I never knew anger was a part of depression. I hated being so mean to my kids but I couldn't help it. I didn't know what to do to fix it! I would start off being nice to them and then it would just spiral out of control! As a mother I felt like I couldn't say I was depressed because I would look like a failure. I was scared people would judge me. But you know what WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK! 

IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!!!! DON'T BE ASHAMED!!

I am now taking an antidepressant. It hasn't kicked in yet but just talking about my feelings has helped me so much! I'm not embarrassed about taking it because i know now I needed it. Dealing with a loss of a child and trying to keep my family fed, bathed and clothed and keep the house in order was just too much for me right now. I'm glad I had that melt down, I'm glad I have friends that will tell me the truth and not beat around the bush!

Shane has been amazing! Not only does he go to work, he has also helped so much around the house!! He's been my rock. He has been so strong through all of this. I couldn't ask for a better husband.

Jealousy

In women's group we are reading "Unglued" by Lysa Teukeurst, we are on chapter 9 which is labeled "The empty woman". It's a chapter on jealousy and it really spoke to me. I've had some jealousy issues toward other women that have babies! I'm jealous and upset with some woman that can have kids but take them for granted. They just use them to get more government assistance or have them so their boyfriend/husband won't leave them....and so on. 

Who am I to judge though? These kids could turn out to be our next president, you never know!

 Anyways, in this chapter Lysa talks about how she was jealous of her friend who got a book deal. She was upset that no one gave her one. But she goes on to see that it wasn't her time for a book deal. She still had small kids at home and she wouldn't have been able to handle it all. She says,"the first step in dealing with jealous thoughts is to focus on our own responsibilities and actions." 

Galatians 6:4-5 says, each one should test their own actions. Then  they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each  one should carry their own load.

As I read this, I thought God knows what He's doing. I shouldn't be wishing for someone else's   responsibilities because I probably couldn't handle it. Me wasting my time wishing i had what "she"  had is taking away time I could be spending with my kids or working on what God needs me to do.

I shouldn't waste my time being jealous. There are so many women out there that can't conceive babies, they can't bring a child to full term. I should be praising God for my two healthy kids. I should be thanking God that I know I can carry a baby to full term. I should be happy that I know that I can conceive a child. 

Instead of being jealous and comparing my life to others lives, I should be using my situation to touch someone else. To show love to someone who is going through exactly what I have gone through!

Galatians 6:9-10, Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Just because we lost our sweet angel doesn't mean I can't have kids or that something is wrong with me, it just wasn't our time for another baby. We will never know the real reason God took our baby so early but my heart is happy knowing that he is watching over us waiting to meet us one day!

Thank you God for my amazing family. Thank you for blessing me with two healthy kids and a husband that does everything he can to take care of us. I don't deserve all You have given me. 

(None of this may make sense. Haha. I have all these thoughts in my brain that I want to write about but don't know how. Lol it doesn't come out right. So sorry if this sounds all confusing)